I've really struggled over whether or not to use this photo for todays SPT. It's a very personal piece of my history and although I am not embarressed to talk about it, it may make other people uncomfortable. It was however taken exactly 2 years ago today - so it just feels like it's meant to be.
This was our first positive pregnancy test after almost two years of trying to have a baby. We were very very happy and incredibly shell shocked that it had come up positive. After seeing so many negative tests you really don't believe that you'll ever, ever see a positive. But there it was.
The next day, on Jim's birthday, I unfortunately miscarried. It was a very strange situation to be in. We'd only known I was pregnant for one day, so we hadn't had time to bond or even get used to the idea that we were pregnant. But it still hurt like pure hell to loose something that we'd wanted for so long, so quickly.
I lost another 2 pregnancies over the next 5 months, before finally getting pregnant with Bella. And for those months my miscarriages were who I was. They defined me. Over the two years of trying to get pregnant Jim and I had carried the burden of failure together. It could be either or both of us. But the miscarriages could only be my fault. Our inability to have a child was down to me. I didn't know who I was or what I was supposed to do. And that's when I discovered quilting. I completely fell in love with everything to do with quilting and I honestly believe that it saved my life. It gave me focus and meaning until I finally had Bella, who gives me more focus or meaning than I could ever imagine.
I still have that positive pregnancy test and still ocassionally look at it. It doesn't make me sad, it's just a part of my history.
You've shared something so personal, with such beautiful words. a true self-portrait. Bless you for your courage.
Posted by: Blair | January 24, 2006 at 10:01 PM
What a beautiful and personal post. Thank you for sharing.
Posted by: myra | January 24, 2006 at 10:09 PM
You are very brave to share this. Thank you. Thankfully I have never miscarried but it did take me years and years and years to fall pregnant so I can certainly remember how that feels. After the first one, I fell pregnant with my second right after my period returned (when I had very nearly stopped breastfeeding) so I will always be grateful for that! :)
Posted by: Jen Leheny | January 24, 2006 at 10:35 PM
A wonderful post, gave me tears to my eyes. I don't share your sadness of misscarriage but i do know how you feel about wanting a child. It's good to have something else to focus on in those times.
Posted by: Nichola | January 24, 2006 at 10:37 PM
You are so transparent, and beautifully honest. Thank you for sharing your heart. My heart aches for women who have gone through the pain of misscarriage.
Posted by: Toni | January 24, 2006 at 11:04 PM
wonderful image and story. thank you for sharing and being so honest
Posted by: kathreen | January 25, 2006 at 12:12 AM
such a wonderful and touching post. thank you for sharing this part of your story with us.
Posted by: hillary | January 25, 2006 at 01:37 AM
Thank you for sharing this, and congratulations on your Bella.
Posted by: Rose | January 25, 2006 at 02:32 AM
What an honest post. Thanks for sharing.
I understand what you are saying. I too went through years of miscarriages (4 in all). They defined me. I felt like a failure as a woman because of them. But now here I am 6 months pregnant with #3, with NO miscarriages between #2 and #3. I have let go of that part of my life. It feels weird.
Posted by: beki | January 25, 2006 at 02:46 AM
beautiful of you to share this. i too, have a history of miscarriages. And you're right that even after being blessed with pregnancies and children, those miscarriages are still there and a part of it all for me. this picture is powerful in that regard--the sweet love you two share, and what's to come....the pain and the joy. life.
Posted by: amanda | January 25, 2006 at 02:54 AM
what a beautiful and honest and real post. thanks for sharing it with all of us. I enjoyed reading about your journey.
Posted by: molly | January 25, 2006 at 05:15 AM
wow. thank you for sharing your touching story.
Posted by: lisa s | January 25, 2006 at 05:17 AM
There is healing and solace in handiwork, I so agree. Thank you for sharing your story.
Posted by: megan | January 25, 2006 at 05:43 AM
What a beautiful and sad post. The loss of a pregnancy casues such a profound sadness and emptiness. How lucky you were to have found quilting. Your quilts are lovely! Thank you for sharing this very personal story.
Posted by: autum | January 25, 2006 at 02:00 PM
thank you for sharing such a personal story. i can't even imagine that kind of loss, but i'm so happy you have bella and have discovered quilting.
Posted by: mary | January 25, 2006 at 09:23 PM
Thank you for sharing your story...I'm sure it's difficult for you to look at that picture and imagine what would have been. I too lost my first child after 3 1/2 months this past September...I've found great solace in blogging and crafting,and it's great to hear quilting was able to do this for you.
Posted by: abbymarie | February 05, 2006 at 03:37 PM
Thank you for sharing..
I too have not been able to have children and know your heartbreak.
You are lucky to have Bella, your husband, and your quilting.
:)hugs to you
Stacie Rife
Posted by: Stacie | February 22, 2006 at 06:02 PM
I just found your beautiful blog via Whip Up and I was looking at the pictures through the archives when I saw this post...I can so relate to the pain of your miscarriages. We lost our first child, our son, this past November, eight months into a perfect pregnancy. How blessed you are to have Bella now - and she's gorgeous! I cross my fingers that luck will be with us next time around!
Posted by: Sarah | May 22, 2006 at 04:32 AM