A little Bit Light, A Little Bit Heavy

This cold (can I please call it flu even though it isn't?) has really knocked me for six. I wasn't able to get out of bed at all yesterday and although I am obviously feeling a little better today I'm still living in the land of Blluuurgghhhh! So please excuse me for being somewhat uninspired and posting about another lampshade.
I made this one today.


(what d'ya mean there's such a thing as too much pattern??)
This is obviously a modern shade as opposed to the vintage one I covered the other day. I'm really happy with it, but I particularly liked the juxtaposition between the vintage shape of the older one with the use of the modern fabrics.

I've still got a few kinks to work out in the design of these, especially as this one needed a slightly different construction than the other one, but I think they're working out ok. 

On a different note, Bella went to childcare for the first time ever today! Oh and I can't tell you how conflicted I am about this.
I work from home and look after Bella full time. And up until now this has worked for both of us, I hope. But I am getting busier and busier and in order to earn money and fufill my other obligations I made the decision last week to send Bella to a childminder for one afternoon a week. It's a childminder that comes highly recommended and that already looks after 2 of my friends children (I am the only sahm I know) and I obviously took Bella there a few times and got to know the women that work there (there's always two childminders together), before just dumping Bella there this afternoon (can you hear the guilt?!). But I still feel very very strange about this.
Now before I continue, I have absolutely no opinion at all about whether parents should stay at home or not. I do not judge either way and the opinion that I do share here, relates purely to me and my situation.
So, the childminder is a lovely person and has a lovely house that is full to the brim with great toys and books and paints and paper and everything else I would want Bella to be exposed to. And she respects the fact that Bella has never had chocolate or icecream or juice  and only drinks water and milk and blah, blah blah (fill in all the other things that prove I'm a crazy mother) and most importantly of all, Bella loves her. And I need to work and she's only going there 4 hours a week. So I know that I shouldn't feel guilty - I mean for goodness sake, it's for such a short period of time that if I wasn't paying for it, I'd call it a play date! But I honestly feel like crap about this. Even though I know that it's probably really good for her to be socialising without me.
Ack, you know what? That's my baby girl and no one can take care of her as well as I can and no one loves her as much as I do. And I know that at 15 months she's probably not too young to spend 4 hours a week away from me, but I'm her mom! You know?
Anyway, you know that she had a great time and although she was happy to see us, there hadn't been a single tear shed all afternoon. Even when we left. And I'm pretty proud of that. My parents weren't that great at instilling confidence into any of their children and it's something that I'm really aware of. So I spend a lot of time encouraging Bella to be independant and secure and hopefully it's working a little bit. So although I feel shitty about leaving her there, I am also incredibly proud of the fact that she was happy and smiley and, in their words -  'a complete angel'.
Yay Bella! And I'm sorry.

(ignore the bad hair day, as you can see, Bella stole my cap!)

Comments

[Chris Howard]

You are a very sweet and obviously concerned young mother. I know you feel awful for putting her in childcare for four hours a week, but I really do think it will work out for the best for both you and Bella. Try not to feel guilty, because really, you are doing the right thing.
I am seriously digging your lampshades. I have had a love/hate relationship with lamps and their shades all my life. You are definitely making me rethink them.

[capello]

I love the new lampshade. I think it all grooves nicely.

As for Bella going to care, she certainly sounds like she's ready. And if it helps you get some work done and fulfill obligations, all the better. But I understand, it is just SO HARD to let someone else care for your baby and then you have this awful thought in your head (or, at least, I do) about not doing your job or anyone can do what you do, etc. Just think of how much fun she'll have and that it's good for emotional and interpersonal communication developement to have a few hours a week outside of the home (can you tell I had a hard time with this too?).

[Fiona]

Oh, it's so hard being a mum! I had many of the same feelings when my daughter started child care for one half-day a week at 14 months old. I (reluctantly) needed to go back to work part time and it was difficult for us all. She now has 1 day a week at childcare while I work and she loves it. She's made some real and meaningful friendships with other kids and is exposed to lots of fun toys, games and social experiences that she might not have had at home. When my husband dropped her off there yesterday morning she jumped up and down with excitement at seeing her buddies. Can't argue with that! Be easy on yourself, Manda - it's a difficult transition, but Bella - and you - will be great. Sorry about the rambling!

[tammie]

i totally, completely relate to how you're feeling.
i leave my children (a 1 and a 3 year old)with childcare at the ymca for an hour a day while i workout, and i get anxiety every single time.
it really is good for them and they do enjoy it and ask to go there, even, but it really is hard.
as long as you really listen to your soul, you will be okay with your decision.
love, love love the lampshades - fantastic!
and the picture of you two is beautiful, hair and all!

[Toni]

You have definitely got something going here with the lampshades! How did you do this one? I can see stitching. I love it!!

4 hrs. once a week is not long at all. Don't feel bad mamma...I need at least that much time alone a week. But I do have older kids that watch Noah for me, so it feels different.
xoxo.

[julie]

Ohhhhh I know exactly how you feel. I cried my eyes out the first time (and second and third!!)I put Shelly into nursery at the age of 2!!!! But she loved it and it was so good for her (and me!!!) 4 hours is nothing. Your are a good Mummy and its ok.

[Lesley]

Please don't beat yourself up about leaving Bella with a childminder, this is a great way for children to start to interact with other children and learn about different rules for different places etc. (because it will be a nice homely environment etc) It will be really good for her and will get her used to deal with things without being able to immediately look to 'mummy' for assistance.
They need to learn these things when they start school and it can be a huge trauma for the child (as well as the teacher) if they cling too much to the apron strings.

Love the lamp shades by the way.....

[Amanda]

I totally know where you are coming from. I am in the process of putting both of my children in a summer preschool program 4 days a week for the month of July. Primarily so that I can move and help my husband with his office and whatnot. My rationale is that 1) it is good for Mommy to have some time to get things done with out children. It makes Mommy less stressed, which makes her a better Mommy when children are home. 2) It is good for my kids (nearly 2 and nearly 4) to have some interaction with other kids, a structured environment, and some extra fun.

I have done stay at home mom and working mom and there are kinks in both plans. You have to do what is best. Hey, if you don't like the way things are working with the childminder, then you can always change things!

Great lampshades, by the way! Love them!

[Cara]

I really love your two lampshades. How did you attach the fabric for the second one?

Cheers!

[mary]

i hope you're feeling better very soon. It sounds like you have something very similar to what I have a couple of weeks ago. I coudn't get over how tired I was.

Anyway, I love, love, love your lampshades. And did I mention that I love them? really, you've inspired me to do something similar. I've been dying for some new lampshades, but all the ones i like just seem to be way overpriced.

really lovely.

[mary]

i hope you're feeling better very soon. It sounds like you have something very similar to what I have a couple of weeks ago. I coudn't get over how tired I was.

Anyway, I love, love, love your lampshades. And did I mention that I love them? really, you've inspired me to do something similar. I've been dying for some new lampshades, but all the ones i like just seem to be way overpriced.

really lovely.

[Ali]

I love your new lampshade even more than the old one.

Completely identify with the 'no-one can look after my child as well as I can' syndrome. But big congrats on having a little one who is confident enough to be happy without you. I totally failed this one and had a 2.5 year old who had to be prised off me daily for 6 long weeks. Oh, the guilt.

[Kristy]

Don't beat yourself up about the childcare issue.A few hours a week is nothing in the greater scheme of things.I'm a childminder and like most others do it so I can stay at home with my kids.Which means most minders have very similar childcare values to you.Even I have paid a fellow minder to have Josie for a few hours every now and then!
Those lampshades are fantastic!I'm still musing about the panels but will get back to you:)

[Simmyb]

You know we Mums beat ourselves up so much no-one else needs to. I have 3 children (oldest 12 now) and I was just the same. It get easier leaving them the more you have, honest! Having gone through all that I've realised that it's really important to have time to yourself when you're a full-time Mum. Really important. In the olden days we had family to rely on but we're on our own now (have a read of my blog I had a rant about the nuclear family) so I think you have to use what you can for time to yourself. Please don't feel bad - you really don't need to.
PS I love your lampshades - such a clever idea and you have a great sense of what goes together.