9 weeks, 3 days

(the water's that funny colour because of a clay bed)

One of the reason's that I haven't been blogging much recently, is that every time I've written a post about the pregnancy I've felt like I was putting you all on the spot to comment yet again.  But there hasn't been anything else to write about because this pregnancy has created a bizarre vacuum, where nothing but the pregnancy exists yet I can't think or talk about the pregnancy to anyone because I've been heavily in to a severe case of denial. I have been managing to simultaneously think of nothing but this awful morning sickness whilst still denying  that there is or ever will be an actual reason for it. No-one in the last 5 weeks had heard me talk about my baby. No-one has heard me make a single plan for when I have this baby. And apart from on here, almost no-one has heard me say the words "I'm pregnant" and every time I have said them I've felt guilty because I'm fooling everybody. Being pregnant means having a baby, and at no point have I acknowledged that I'm having a baby. Even too myself. Especially to myself.
Jim and I have not had one single discussion about any of this. We've left each scan with a little shrug and not mentioned it again. The closest we get to talking about any of this is when I point out that I feel so bloody sick because I'm pregnant, not because I'm a bitch!
I have spent most of the last 5 weeks being angry with this pregnancy. I've been angry that it's been lasting longer and longer which means that it's going to be harder and harder to cope with when it does end. I've been angry that it's made me feel so sick when there isn't even going to be a good reason for it. I've been angry that I've had to go to hospital every week and be treated like I'm nothing more than cattle. I've been really angry that it's taken away my ability to work. And most of all I've been furious that it's affected my relationship with the most important thing in my life, Bella.
I've had some truly horrible thoughts about this pregnancy. Not the kind of thoughts that you would expect someone that has been through 7 miscarriages to have. Not the kind of thoughts that you would think someone who must want another child so badly would have.
But there hasn't been anything I could do about it all. To think positive thoughts was to open myself up to the possibility that I may not be able to cope if I lost yet another baby.
And whilst I could have shared all this with you many, many times over the last few weeks, I just haven't felt it was the right thing to do. And I've felt like a bit of a fraud. Because whilst I can not convey how much your support and understanding means to me,  I also couldn't explain to you that I haven't had any hope and that I haven't been feeling the way I should have been feeling. I haven't spent the last 5 weeks scared I was going to lose my baby, I've spent it furious that the miscarriage was taking so long to happen.
I know that makes me sound like a bad person but it is truly how I've been feeling.
But that has changed. Because now I can start worrying that I'm going to lose my baby. Because today I saw my baby. I saw it's arms and legs waving around and I saw it measure the exact right size for it's age. Today the doctor acted like I was going to have a baby, instead of a miscarriage (occupational hazard I guess of working in a recurrent miscarriage clinic) and for the first time Jim and I talked (however briefly) about the fact that we might be having a baby.
Of course, I guess this could be where the worry really starts (as I type this I'm having some mild, probably completely normal pains that are making me think that this whole post is doing nothing but tempting fate!) and I am by no means at the stage of acceptance. But I guess I'm a damn sight closer than I have been for the last five weeks. And that must be a good thing.
Thank you for all the times you've all repeated your lovely words of hope and support, they have been the only suggestion that something possibly good has been happening and for that I couldn't be more grateful. And I hope my admittance of my denial hasn't made you all feel like you've been wasting your time and energy. You truly haven't.
But I guess it's time for me to start having a little hope now too.

Comments

[bigbucketgirl]

DH is away tonight for work..and I don't usually have a drink when I'm on my own with the kids...but WAHEY! girl...i'm opening a bottle. A bl**dy big one. Right now. For you. (and me!) Cheers. I've got buckets of hope...absolute buckets. OOh where's the corkscrew?
xxx

[hazeljoy]

good. xxxxx

[Mary]

I think that with all you have been through you are entitled to feel any way you want to ! Re Bella - I remember how sick I was with each of my babies and how guilty I felt for the apparent neglect of the others - but you know what - that 's what partners are for - and my other children (now 11, 8 and 4) certainly have no recollection of it!

[Sam]

Am THRILLED for you (and Jim and Bella!)

[Qalballah]

*snivelling* Just pray.

xx

[lyn]

'She smiled a soft smile for knowing there is hope, and hope is sometimes enough'

(last line in Pandora's box).

: )

[Judi]

Oh HOoray! You know, I think about you and your family daily..... even though we live in seperate continants. I believe that you have so many friends..... even though we've never met......... praying and hoping for you and this baby. I strongly believe in the power of prayer, hope and friendship.

Please don't apologize for your thoughts and feelings, no matter how mad they may seem........ they are yours and you deserve to feel this way. We may not truly understand but we understand "Mommy guilt".

We're praying for you!

[tracy]

it's odd to be so happy for someone I don't even know, but I am really so very happy for you & your family.

[Heather]

I haven't referred to mine as a baby yet and I'm two weeks ahead and -6 miscarriages to yours. I think every feeling you're having is completely understandable and nothing to feel badly about. Normal pregnancy is complicated enough -- throw in your history and your feelings are going to be infinitely more complicated.

On a side note, all I've had for the past four weeks is exhaustion and my practically perfect poor daughter has suffered from lack of attention and a short fuse. You're doing great. Hang in there and let's hope that your symptoms will ease -- for all the best reasons -- in three weeks.

Where'd you get Bella's wet suit? It's AWESOME!

[Véronique]

Once again, I have to say this, you are one brave woman and a true inspiration. No matter where you are in your head.

[kelly]

i'm so completely happy for you. i read your 1st words with worry + sadness + concern + as i scrolled down the paragraphs...almost skim reading to the end + i felt real joy as your tone lifted. how amazing to have the scan go so well. brilliant news xxx

[Mirre]

Wonderful news :)

[Jean]

After so many years of no luck at all, we haven't referred to ours as a baby either (9 weeks). It just does not seem real.

Today I saw the heartbeat, though, and today.it.is.real. :)

I pray you feel better soon (hurry up, 2nd trimester!) and can enjoy life a little more.

[laeroport]

Hugs from across the pond. That's all I can offer. And prayer, even though I'm not sure to whom I'm praying. But hugs.

[Frances]

This is such a heartbreakingly honest and powerful piece of writing. I found it incredibly touching that you are able to share these feelings. You are so so strong and I have so much admiration for you.

[Jennifer]

I think it is amazingly brave of you to express your feelings about this pregnancy in the honest way you have. You were / are protecting yourself from the heartbreak you have experienced so many times before. I also think that you have many people around the world who were (and still are) doing the hoping for you.

I second Tracy when I say that it feels odd to be so happy for someone I've never met, but I am. And I will continue to HOPE the best for you - and Heather and Jean as well. Babies all around!

[Di]

My fingers as ever remain crossed for you and your family!!

[denice]

*whispered*: congratulations. fingers are crossed...

[Sue]

Pregnancy is hard enough for anyone, but you have been through so much in the past your feelings are to be expected. I am sure as the months go by your feelings will improve and you can tell people you are pregnant and having a baby too. I make sure I check your blog daily so as to know you are all doing okay. Lots of hugs to you all!!

[Lilbird]

*bawling*

Manda- you and your family are wonderful......I keep saying that something about all of this (and I don't know why or anything) was different. I feel this is truly different from before and am so hopeful for you. I mean, I'm sitting on my couch, all alone, crying here!

I telly you what, the day you post a picture of that peanut I am going to be in hysterics.

[Karen H]

Prayers are still being said for you and little one!:)

[Sarah]

To be honest, that seems like a completely normal reaction. After so many disappointments, you have to protect yourself. But now you can move on to the next stage. Good luck with your baby!

[Shannon]

Delurking to say, well, I know I check in here every Monday around dinner time for me, which should be after bedtime for you, to see how everything's going. And I am quite happy to hear that there is a BABY in there, waving and kicking, and growing at just the right pace. I've been through the whole "afraid to be hopeful" thing a few times myself, and I understand where you are at, and don't fault you in the least.

[Joan Gibb]

Your feelings make perfect sense to me-- I get feeling ambivalent about something you're ambivalent about because your heart can only take so much. I treasure this connection with you and send good thoughts your way.
Joan

[Meredith]

Of course it makes sense to feel the way you have been feeling! Just know that prayers and hopes and good thoughts for you and for your family are coming to you every single day. Take care and take each day as it comes. I'm so hopeful for you all!