(the water's that funny colour because of a clay bed)
One of the reason's that I haven't been blogging much recently, is that every time I've written a post about the pregnancy I've felt like I was putting you all on the spot to comment yet again. But there hasn't been anything else to write about because this pregnancy has created a bizarre vacuum, where nothing but the pregnancy exists yet I can't think or talk about the pregnancy to anyone because I've been heavily in to a severe case of denial. I have been managing to simultaneously think of nothing but this awful morning sickness whilst still denying that there is or ever will be an actual reason for it. No-one in the last 5 weeks had heard me talk about my baby. No-one has heard me make a single plan for when I have this baby. And apart from on here, almost no-one has heard me say the words "I'm pregnant" and every time I have said them I've felt guilty because I'm fooling everybody. Being pregnant means having a baby, and at no point have I acknowledged that I'm having a baby. Even too myself. Especially to myself.
Jim and I have not had one single discussion about any of this. We've left each scan with a little shrug and not mentioned it again. The closest we get to talking about any of this is when I point out that I feel so bloody sick because I'm pregnant, not because I'm a bitch!
I have spent most of the last 5 weeks being angry with this pregnancy. I've been angry that it's been lasting longer and longer which means that it's going to be harder and harder to cope with when it does end. I've been angry that it's made me feel so sick when there isn't even going to be a good reason for it. I've been angry that I've had to go to hospital every week and be treated like I'm nothing more than cattle. I've been really angry that it's taken away my ability to work. And most of all I've been furious that it's affected my relationship with the most important thing in my life, Bella.
I've had some truly horrible thoughts about this pregnancy. Not the kind of thoughts that you would expect someone that has been through 7 miscarriages to have. Not the kind of thoughts that you would think someone who must want another child so badly would have.
But there hasn't been anything I could do about it all. To think positive thoughts was to open myself up to the possibility that I may not be able to cope if I lost yet another baby.
And whilst I could have shared all this with you many, many times over the last few weeks, I just haven't felt it was the right thing to do. And I've felt like a bit of a fraud. Because whilst I can not convey how much your support and understanding means to me, I also couldn't explain to you that I haven't had any hope and that I haven't been feeling the way I should have been feeling. I haven't spent the last 5 weeks scared I was going to lose my baby, I've spent it furious that the miscarriage was taking so long to happen.
I know that makes me sound like a bad person but it is truly how I've been feeling.
But that has changed. Because now I can start worrying that I'm going to lose my baby. Because today I saw my baby. I saw it's arms and legs waving around and I saw it measure the exact right size for it's age. Today the doctor acted like I was going to have a baby, instead of a miscarriage (occupational hazard I guess of working in a recurrent miscarriage clinic) and for the first time Jim and I talked (however briefly) about the fact that we might be having a baby.
Of course, I guess this could be where the worry really starts (as I type this I'm having some mild, probably completely normal pains that are making me think that this whole post is doing nothing but tempting fate!) and I am by no means at the stage of acceptance. But I guess I'm a damn sight closer than I have been for the last five weeks. And that must be a good thing.
Thank you for all the times you've all repeated your lovely words of hope and support, they have been the only suggestion that something possibly good has been happening and for that I couldn't be more grateful. And I hope my admittance of my denial hasn't made you all feel like you've been wasting your time and energy. You truly haven't.
But I guess it's time for me to start having a little hope now too.