One month...

Jim's time off work has almost come to an end and next week I start doing this all by myself. Which I have to say doesn't fill me with nearly as much dread as I thought it might. Although I really will miss having Jim around all the time. We're so much more relaxed when we can spend more time together.
The last month has somehow managed to both speed by and last for ever at the same time.

We were so much more aware of Bella's first month and so wrapped up in being new parents, where as poor Lily seems to just have to fit in and we're shocked to be at the end of the first month already.
The beginning of our life as a family of four was so much more rocky than we thought it would be. I had no idea that Lily's birth would have such a huge impact on my relationship with Bella. And no one had warned me that one day she would be the most treasured and important being in my life and the next she was just an annoyance. No one warned me that I would actually fall out of love with Bella and would resent her for being so big and loud and rude. And worst of all, no one warned me that I would have moments of also resenting Lily for changing my relationship with Bella so drastically.
Of course as soon as I spoke to other mothers of two, I found out that all these feelings are normal and very common. And now that they are a thing of the past I can understand why no one told me. But I also think it's a shame that this isn't discussed, because if I'd known that it was all normal and that I should expect my relationship with Bella to change (even if only briefly) then I may not have felt so horrifically guilty.
Of course, it only lasted a few weeks, but during those brief weeks I felt like more of a failure than I've ever felt before.

I had moments of simply not wanting to go home, because I was such a failure that both my daughters would be better off without me. And moments of actually being scared of spending time with Bella because I was making everything so much worse.
As well as feeling that I had failed Bella, I felt that I had failed Lily. We discovered when she was just over a week old that she is lactose intolerant and until we managed to get her on to special formula, we were causing her pain every time we fed her. And I couldn't help feel that was my fault and what if it was just the start of more and more health problems.  What if having those shots back at the beginning had been the wrong thing to do and I had sentenced her to a life of pain just because I selfishly wanted another baby.
It all washed over me, along with a hundred other negative, scary feelings about miscarriage, birth and everything else we'd been through.

And I'm glad to say that it's now all washed away. Only four weeks in and we're all feeling a lot more back to normal. Bella is still having days (today) of being more challenging than I would like or could have even imagined four weeks ago. But we're handling it a lot better and the days are getting further apart.
Lily is already a little star. Now that we've got her on the right food she's a happy chappy and already sleeps like a pro. She's in a great routine and most nights only wakes up for her 3 feeds. She sleeps happily in her cot in the day too and is starting to enjoy her time awake too.

We all love having her here and I can happily say that we're over the worst. I know that there will still be ups and downs but that's parenthood for you. But I also know that we did the right thing, for all of us. It was worth all that pain and it was worth putting us through every attempt we made at having another baby.
Lily's been with us a month already and what a month it's been.

xxx

Comments

[Qalballah]

Oh you seemed to have handled all the negatives very well - I was a monster with my first son when the second one came along - compounded unfortunately by undiagnosed PND for a year - and I still do have moments of resentment with my children - when they are being complete brats and making me lose the will to live. I could quite happily drop kick them sometimes and knock their heads together at others. It's a shock with the second, but its just a case of getting used to a new norm and moving on.

Feeling like you are failing people is a sign of depression though, so be aware of it if you feel it a lot - red flag time.

Oh and in and out of love with children - brace yourself for teenagers LOL

[Janet McKinney]

Congratulations on your first month as a Mum of 2. Yes your relationships do change when a new person is put into the mix. Bella may also be struggling with the changes that are happening to her.

What a beautiful pair of daughters you have, and what joy (and pain) they will bring you. Guilt will come every now and then as you reflect on your parenting - but you need to remind yourself that at all times you tried to make the best possible decision your your family - even though sometimes it may not work out that way.

Like the rest of you, you will muddle through doing the best you can - and they will love you for it.

Blessings
Janet McKinney

[Jen]

Your daughters are so beautiful! And you were very fortunate to have your husband home for that long. Here in the US father's only get a week or two. And it's usually from their vacation time.

I was sorry to read about your troubles over the past month. I wish more women were so open with their experiences. You're right, we should learn from each other rather than assuming that we are the only one's feeling a certain way. It's usually the case that we are not alone at all. Thank you. - Jen

[Di]

I am glad that you have all come safely through that first month and that things seem to be getting back to normal!! Lily and Bella look great together and I am sure will have moments of love and annoyance over the next few decades!!

Enjoy it all as it seems to be passing so quickly!!

[Anina]

I'm glad you made it through the first month. It can be tough, and with the hormones being kind of up and down, it feels even worse. Being able to talk to friends definitely helps, doesn't it?
Your girls are just beautiful. Congratulations on your lovely family.

[Lisa]

Congratulations on the birth of Lily. As a new mother of twin girls (2 months now) and a three year old I totally sympathise with your comments. When I get some less desirable behaviour it takes all my energy and patience not to get angry with my oldest daughter and take a moment to remember what a big adjustment it is for her to have someone hogging the limelight and drawing away mummy and daddy's attention. For my daughter it has been an even bigger adjustment with two interlopers but the feelings are the same regardless of how many new people are joining the family.

Best wishes

[celine]

I so love the fact that you say out loud what a lot people can't even bring themselves to think (are you sure you are British?!!!). One of the reason you haven't be warn about these things is that we simply forget! It took me 18 months to feel complete with my 2 kids. It only when they first played together that I thought, shit it's worth it! 3 years on it is fantastic!

[sue]

1 month has gone by so quickly. I was thinking it was only about 2 weeks. I wouldnt feel guilty about Lily being lactose intolerant, and thankfully you figured it out so early. Isabelle was a lactose intolerant baby too and we didnt discover that little problem until she was 8 months old and so we perservered with the screaming for that long until someone told us what it might be. I have spoken to a few mums that say they grow out of it which Isabelle has, but it can return when they are about 12 yrs of age so I need to keep my eyes open and be aware of any changes. Lily and Bella look so beautiful together, and doesnt Bella look so big now next to her tiny beautiful sister. I am glad that your starting to feel a bit more normal. I think all mums go through that hormone level change and our bodies and minds take time to adjust.

[mikawendy]

I love the picture of the girls on the couch. So sweet and beautiful, and it's clear that Bella is very gentle and caring with her little sister.

I also love all the quilty goodness on that couch! I only have a few quilt items at home--the rest that I've made have been gift items. Hmm, I need to fix that....

[Elizabeth Mackey]

After all these years, I always felt horrible to the core, because I felt the very same you did. My husband had to work a lot in that time also,and I felt like I was a single parent. I kept thinking all the thoughts you were and had no one to tell. I don't live near family and let me tell you how bad I felt. I too wish someone would have told me, I guess most people don't want to lay a bunch of negative things on an expectant parent. You really just made me feel so much better about something that I have been holding on to for many years....as you remember, my daughters are now 22 and 18, so those are a lot of years!! Of course things get better. You just now have to realize they are going to be two very different people and don't expect Lily to do the same things that Bella did. If you ever need to say anything on here about what is coming up, do it and we will all have our two cents to say I'm sure. Lily sure is getting cuter every day.

[melissa s.]

your words ring so, so true. your thoughts and feelings are/were completely normal and I also wish it was discussed more in our society. everyone is expected to slide effortlessly into their new roles when another member joins a family and in reality, it is one of the hardest transition that each family member will have to undergo. so glad that you had some great friends to lean on. use them as much as you can. we mamas have to stick together!

[liz]

i could go on and on, but i'll just say - goodness, i know those feelings.
my first was MY BABY! but once baby#2 was born, my only-have-eyes-for-you idea of her shifted, and it was such a startling new image for me. not what i expected, to say the least.
being a mama of 2 took (takes) some getting used to, for sure.
just take it one day at a time, and keep on loving each other as best you can!

[Jennifer]

As usual, you write what many do not have the courage to discuss. I'm quite impressed at how well you articulate your feelings.
I think of you all often and I know that things will continue to settle for your family of four.
Have a happy weekend.

(My goodness, but Lily looks like your sweet husband!)

[sophie]

Hi, I just want to congratulate you for getting through that first month. I have a six week old baby boy, and two daughters, aged 6 and 4. I felt the exact same things that you felt, and I felt like a monster mum big time, especially when the baby would be crying and then the older girls would be getting in the way. I am sure I flew off the handle one time too many!! The only way I could ease the guilt was to spend more quality time with them, even if it was the last thing I felt like doing. I made the effort and also explained to them about the baby taking up much of mummy's time so they have to be my special little helpers etc etc. But, it does get better, so I wish you all the very best, Cheers.....

[Elizabeth]

such beautiful kids! bless you for being honest. have a happy Easter with your kiddos. :>

[sarah]

thankyou for being so honest, at times being a mum is really really hard and in the next blink your heart is filled with so much love you think it could just burst!! i am now a mum to three beautiful girls, and whilst at times it can be hard i wouldnt change it for the world, there is nothing sweeter in life then the smile my little 4.5mth old gives me when she opens her eyes every morning, and realizes that yes mum is still there holding on to her, i wish you and your family a wonderful journey this life brings together.. I look forward to watching Lilly grow and the happenings of daily life : )

[kat]

happy first month wee babe!

it sounds as though you're adjusting to all of the changes very well. remember not to be so hard on yourself.

[Patricia C.]

Thank you for sharing your sincere words. They ring true. It makes me feel better about the feelings I was having when I had my second back in August. Everyone was struggling with it- me, hubby, and my 2 year old son. Things got back to normal after a month or so. Thank you for sharing your story.

Happy Easter to your little bunnies :) They are adorable.

[Joanna Silva]

I went through the same thing when my daughter was born 20 months ago. She and her older brother are 6 years apart. As Audrey's birth got closer, I wondered how it would affect my relationship with Julian. He had essentially been an only child for 6 years, the center of our universe. Well, it changed plenty! Audrey just demanded so much of my time and energy, and since Julian was a "big" boy, I think we left him to his own devices more than we would if he were a toddler. Now he's 8 and acting like a teenager and I'm always thinking things like I screwed up, I ignored him, I've messed up our bond and we'll never get it back. It's also different having a girl. Boys are loud and smelly and think things like saying poop and fart is the funniest thing in the world!
Audrey is still a baby, still nursing, still cuddling and thinking I am the center of her world. I know that Julian's behavior is his bid for attention, and I try to remind myself of that before I blow up at him, but I still fail miserably all the time. You are doing a great job! And they're both beautiful. Relax and enjoy. i know it's easier said than done!

[Jeanie]

Hi, Manda:

You and I were due on the same day so I am SHOCKED that Lily is a month old already when we just had our son Adam on Sunday, March 16th. Looking forward to settling in more -- so thanks for being an inspiration to me!

Your honesty is inspiring. We have one child, but you have given me pause as I think of how I can be of help to others as they add their second babies in...

You're right that women need to discuss these things, though. I'm sure you're helping people by saying something from your own experience.

Congratulations, again, on your little bundle, Lily!

Jeanie

[Siri]

A month already! And thank you for putting all this out there, since, as you say, nobody else does. All of this sounds SO familiar. I can still remember VERY clearly those melt downs I had, and the guilty feelings, and the resentments. Oh, gosh, I still remember so well what I called "my lowest moment" when both of them had pink eye, I had to put drops in their eyes, they were both bawling and I was in tears, and I turned to our oldest and pretty much told him it was time for him to grow up and get it together! He was all of 3 at the time.
But, as you've already seen, it doesn get better, albeit not at a steady pace.
Best of luck and know that you're all just going through a normal adjustment period.
She's beautiful and looks so much like her older sister, especially in that top picture.

[lazylol]

Crikey - is it really a month already? What beautiful pictures. It's hard work being a parent isn't it. Hope you have a lovely Easter weekend x

[Katherine]

A month old, sounds like she's doing well. A new sibling is always hard, I even felt jealous at the age of 17 when my brother was born so I think there are always going to be issues, thank you for your honesty.

I love the second to last photo, Lily looking at Bella with awe. Awww.

[Gill]

The first month is under your belt now Manda, well done! Being a Mum is something we have to make up as we go along really, none of us are perfect and you shouldn't be too hard on yourself for your feelings....the dynamics of your family have changed and any change takes some getting used to it. Seems to me you're doing fine! I read an interesting article in the Daily Mail yesterday about Mothers always being in the wrong, I agreed with much of what was written and basically we all muddle through as best we can!

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/femail/article.html?in_article_id=540951&in_page_id=1879&in_page_id=1879&expand=true#StartComments

Have a lovely Easter.

[Joanna]

Poor you, its osunds like hormanoes have sent you haywire. It happens to us all!