Right this very minute I am sitting in my beautiful, beautiful studio, in my new arm chair, watching my new Columbo dvd, and it all looks so very lovely. And I know I'm so very lucky.
I've never had a room to myself like this before. And I've never spent that kind of money on a room just for myself before.
But I know it's worth it. This is where I have worked every day for the last two years. And for the last two years it's been makeshift and messy. Instead of my sanctuary, it's just been another room in the house that reminds me exactly how much I am failing as a housewife!
But now it truly is a sanctuary. And I am already totally in love with having my own space.
And yet, as I came close to finishing it yesterday, I found myself sitting on the floor, crying.
This is a bittersweet room. It represents so many good things. It represents a certain amount of success for me. It represents a certain amount of self belief. A self belief that's been a long time coming (and that I wouldn't have if it wasn't for all of you). And it represents a huge amount of satisfaction and fun and joy.
But it also represents loss.
This room was the room that my children where going to share.
And a part of me knows that I have just sanded and wallpapered and painted that dream away.
I also know that I have replaced it with another dream. And I'm lucky to have another dream.
I love this room. It's beautiful. And I appreciate so very much that I have it.
But it's not the room it was supposed to be. And it never will be.
