Tree Fall

Hello April.....

 

 

 

April is not an easy month. Easter is not easy for us. We used to take the girls to my Nana's every Easter and they loved it. Even though my Nana was in her 80's, she was never old, not even to my tiny girls, and they loved visiting her. They saw it as a special treat.

We lost my Nana (my Mum's mum) 9 months before my mum, within the same year. Within the same two weeks of losing my Nana the girls lost their cat (they're first pet) and their school friend was murdered. Then we lost my Mum. And for both the girl's it's Easter that reminds them of it all.

April is also my Mum's birthday.

Last night Lily couldn't sleep. She goes through stages where she really struggles to switch off and she finds night time a particular challenge. We learned early on that when she goes through these phases there is no point in fighting it. She just really can't sleep.

Late last night Lily made me promise that I wouldn't die of cancer and leave her. She made me pinky promise. She cried and cried and made me promise over and over again. And I said the words. I promised her, I pinky promised her that I wouldn't get cancer and leave her.

Anyone that has been touched by cancer will tell you that they live with the incredible fear that it will be them next. After we lost mum I spoke to both of my (older) brothers seperately, and was surprised to hear that they both (very different people) were sure that every twinge, every bump, every cough was the start of 'their' cancer. I was surprised because while I've been known to assume the worst, I never thought they would. But they do now. We all do now.

I woke up at 2m this morning, gripped with the fear that I had lied to Lily and that she would never trust me again. How could I make such a pinky promise, when deep down I am terrified that the worst will happen and that I will indeed leave her before any of us are ready (actually, the worst is that it will be the girls that get it, that's the most unbearable fear).

Today I am tired. I am tired of missing my mum so terribly. I am tired of being jealous of so many people that I know who are able to hug their mums. I am tired of feeling so damn sad. I am tired of this being my life now. Today I want it all to not be true. I want to be the way I was. Aware of cancer but not haunted by it, not feeling that it's chasing me and my family. Today I want my 7 year old not to ask why so many people we know have cancer.

But April is hard. Easter is hard. And to be honest, it's all still pretty hard.

This April though, Jim and I are heading to the Isle of Wight for a couple of days, on our own. To look at houses.

This is the year to stop running. Or to run away. I'm not sure which it is really, but either way, it's happening this year. Next Easter will hopefully be very different.

The Mortmain Dress (number 1)

 

 

I finally finished my first Mortmain dress this weekend. I cut out the pieces late last year but haven't made the time since then to actually make it.

I chose a linen/silk mix, partly because I love the feel of it (almost like a wild silk) and partly because I was able to pick it up cheaply, so if it went horribly wrong I wouldn't have wasted too much money.

 

 

Pretty much as soon as I started sewing up the pieces I realised that I had cut out the size based on my size before I had my operation and that meant that it probably wouldn't fit me now. Which was pretty depressing.

I wasn't sure whether to finish it or to just go ahead and cut out the next size up, but figured that I might as well you this as the muslin. Plus I was hoping that maybe I hadn't put on quite as much weight as I thought I had!

 

 

The dress itself was pretty straight forward to make. The pattern says that it's for an ambitious beginner and I think that's a fair description. But as well as a comprehensive instruction booklet there's also extra advice on their website and online in general if you google Mortmain, so even if you're not feeling overly ambitious I think it's worth a go.

 

 

The only part that I didn't enjoy was putting in the zip. The pattern uses a method that I haven't tried before (it's an exposed zip) and to be honest I didn't really like it. But I think that's more because I was tired and my normally reliable machine didn't like the actual zip I was using, rather than it being a problem with the actual method. 

I have to say that although I quite like the detail of an exposed zip, I'm not sure I like it enough to do it again and will probably just fit a normal one next time. 

 

 

 

I've been worried that the box pleats in the skirt would be unflattering - my hips are broad- and I do think that in the end the dress does make me look even hippier than normal. But I'm hoping that that's in part because it's a size too small.

 

 

 

I'm going to give this another go in the next size up, with some beautiful green fabric that I've been showing off all over Instagram, in the hopes that the next size up will look a lot better on me. I'm also going to make a couple of adjustments to the darts ( I wish my boobs were that high up!) and lengthen the skirt a little, but that's it.

 

I would definitely recommend giving the Mortmain a go, even if you've never sewn a dress before. The pattern is comprehensive and easy to follow without assuming too much prior knowledge, and can certainly be made up in a weekend.

 

Next up I'm going to have a go at a vintage pattern that I've wanted to make for years, but have been too scared to try! Plus I bought some amazing green wool (green's the colour for me at the moment) to make yet another Merchant & Mills Top 64!

 

Running (in the sun)

 

 

I haven't been able to run much since having my gallbladder removed at the beginning of December, and I've really missed it. Running makes me feel better both physically and mentally and it makes me feel in control. So not being able to do it means that I've not been feeling my best.

This week I've forced myself out (it's silly that I always have to force myself to begin with when I enjoy it so much), and have felt a million times better. Even ignoring the physical benefits of losing the extra weight that I've been carrying since the op, running has so many plus points.

 

 

 

My favourite place to run is along the canal that runs through our village. I see the same people week after week, which is nice, but the main thing that I love is seeing the seasons change. The canal towpath is lined with gorse bushes, reeds and fruit bushes and is always teaming with life.
I've seen so many different species of birds and tiny creatures along the towpath that even when the run is a real struggle, it's still been beautiful.

 

 

 

After my run on Friday, it was so sunny and warm that I was able to come home and sit in the garden to have a coffee for the first time this year.

Although we live in a major city, and in quite a large village, we're lucky that our tiny garden is always beautifully calm and quiet.

 

 

 

We're not quite at the point yet where we'll be sitting out in the garden regularly, but it will happen soon. And until then, I can happily enjoy sitting in our (often) sunny kitchen.

 

 

Dresses and Bloomers

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

These are the new dress/bloomers sets that have recently made their way to Dear Doris, a beautiful little independant design shop, in the equally beautiful Penarth, Wales.

These sets are all in soft, muted colours that I don't often work with. But I like the softness of the colours with these graphic prints.

The bloomers are all lined with a super soft, lightweight brushed cotton, so there are no uncomfortable seams.

I'm hoping to put a couple of sets in my Etsy shop soon, as well as some brighter versions (I have some bright orange fabric thats begging to be used).

 

 

 

 

Springtime

I am SO ready for Spring. I'm lucky that I don't suffer from SADS like so many other people do, but it still makes such a difference to me when the days start to get lighter and longer.

I've managed to go out twice in the last week without a coat on (albeit only briefly) and it was such a relief after months of living in my huge, heavy duffel coat. I'm also ready to say goodbye to my winter boots and wear some lightweight shoes!

This is set to be our last spring in Yorkshire and I intend to make the most of it and all it's natural beauty, but I can't pretend that I'm not excited that we're going to be moving to the purported sunniest part of Britain in the summer!

 

 

Top 64

 

After my success with the Popover Poncho I bought a couple of new patterns in the last week or so, with the intentions of making myself a whole new wardrobe. Of course I've bought lots of patterns over the years and have had many, many intentions of making myself many, many new wardrobes. But fortunately for Gap, (who have dressed me and Jim so predominantly over the last few years that we've been mistaken for staff...By. The. Staff....) I've completely failed. Until now.

 

At the risk of sounding like I'm boasting (and I am boasting, just a little bit) in the last two weeks I've made myself a poncho, 2 sweatshirts, half a dress, two finished tops, and 3 almost finished tops!

Seriously!

 

 

Last week I ordered the Merchant & Mills pattern, Top 64. It's their feminine take on the fiserman's sweater and looked to me like the sort of top I could wear a lot.

 

 

It's a really fast make, with raglan sleeves and no fastenings to worry about and the first one I made was cut and finished in less than a day.

When I finished the first one I was a little unsure about how shapeless it was and whether it was too unflattering. But Jim assured me that it looked good and I had a lot of comments about it while I was at work. Plus it was really easy to wear.

I made this yellow wool plaid one over the weekend and wore it out to lunch today with Jen from Little Birdie.

 

 

 

I'm really impressed with the pattern and have one cut out of denim and one of jumper weight wool waiting to be finished this week. I've also got some lighter weight fabrics that I want to use for a more summery version.

Although I've made the odd piece of clothing for myself over the years, this is the first time that I've really felt that I could make clothes that I would wear. It's very exciting (although possibly only for me!).

 

 

 

 

 

Mother's Day (and Salts Mill)

We visited Salts Mill on Mother's Day. I love David Hockney's work and in particular this painting of his parents.

 

 

Mother's day is still tough for me.  I don't want it to be. I feel bad that both the girls know how much I hate it. They're desperate for me to enjoy it and to be excited the way they are. But it's still too soon.

 

 

 

But if you're going to spend a Sunday feeling crap while so many around you are celebrating, then visiting somewhere as beautiful as Salts Mill is definitely the way to go.

 

 

The book shop alone is incredible.  And books are so good for the soul. Just being surrounded by them. By books about art and birds and monsters and Moomins and Wimps and sewing and knitting and printing. Books just make you feel better.

 

 

Lily has been desperate to be able to read for as long as I can remember. But her verbal dyspraxia has lead to delays with it (phonics not being the best way to teach a child that can't process the different sounds of letters!). She's cracked it now though and reads every single thing that she can.

The look of concentration on her face just kills me. I stood and watched her for ages as she sat in a corner of the book shop, pouring over the books. Nobody can make my heart ache the way Lily can.

 

I know you're not supposed to judge a book by it's cover, but how can you not with these beauties?

 

 

 

 

The new Hockney exhibition, The Arrival of Spring, is on at the moment. The girls were amazed that Hockney had 'painted' all of the pieces on his iPad. It gave us a lot to talk about. The girls were particularly interested in whether the way you produce art affects how legitimate it is. I love that we can discuss stuff like this now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As well as the art gallery (that also stocks the best art supplies and art books), the book shop, the exhibition spaces, and a cafe, Salts Mill has a really lovely diner, which is where we ended our visit.

It wasn't a perfect day. It wasn't even a great one (no day that starts with a visit to my mothers grave would be), but it was as good as it could be, and better than I thought it would be.

If you're in the area, you really should make the time to visit Salts Mill and Saltaire. You won't regret it. Even if you're feeling sorry for yourself.

Popover Poncho

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Over the weekend I finally made myself something new to wear. Well actually it was just on Sunday. In fact it was just Sunday afternoon to be precise. Because the Popover Poncho by April Rhodes is extremely straight forward and easy to make and takes less than a day from beginning to end (although in all fairness Jim did cook dinner and bath the girls, so I didn't have any real distractions).

I wasn't intending to make the Poncho this weekend, I was actually thinking I might make the Linden Sweatshirt by Grainline, and had made a special trip to Fabworks on Saturday morning to get some slightly odd silver, sparkly jersey that had been winking at me all week (its honestly the last thing I would expect me to buy) (and I'm still a little confused by it) and some plain grey sweatshirting for a trial run. I took Lily with me and when we left (after two customers and the people I work with had recognised me) she asked if I was famous and stated that Fabworks is a magical place, because it's so full of beautiful things that can made in to even more beautiful things. I liked that. I like the fact that it's going to become a vague memory for her - her mum being famous (to a 7 year old!) and working in a magical place. I have odd memories of my mum like that - good feelings really, more than actual memories.

Anyway, on Sunday I realised that I didn't own a copy of the Linden Sweatshirt pattern (I still think I have one somewhere) so, inspired by the fact the Karen had shown me hers the week before , I made the Poncho instead.

I love a good poncho/cape and on Saturday  (as well as the strange sparkly stuff)  I bought some beautiful midweight wool, that looks a bit like denim, but has a really nice drape, and some teal brushed cotton. Both of which were perfect (it's almost like I planned it...).

The cutting out (my least favourite part of dressmaking) only took half an hour, tops. And then it was just a case of following the very straight forward instructions for piecing it all together.

I decided to line the pocket with the same fabric that I used for the cowl lining. You can't really see it, but I like the tiny flashes of teal. I also decided to use neon orange thread for the overlocked side seams. Again you don't really see them, but I like that they're there. And as the poncho is swishing around me, you can just catch glimpses of orange.

The cowl was much more straight forward to make and attach than I expected. I chose not to include a drawstring, because I like how it looks without it. But I might include it on the next one I make.

Other than that, I didn't make any changes to the pattern and it fits perfectly. I know that you might think that a poncho doesn't really fit, but a good one sits on the shoulders nicely and doesn't drown you in fabric, while still being flatteringly swishy (that's a technical term). And the Popover Poncho does exactly that.

I already knew that April was a fantastic fabric designer, but this is the first of her patterns that I've tried, and I really did love it. I'm going to make a lightweight one next. Plus I've got some incredible waterproof/mac type of fabric that I'm going to have a go with too.

Next though is the silver, sparkly sweatshirt....

 

 

 

 

Weekends

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was briefly beginning to look like spring over the weekend, but so far this week we've had snowstorms and hailstones, usually followed very quickly by bright sunshine and even more quickly by another snowstorm! It's all been very odd. So in an attempt to coax the springtime sun back I've been surrounding myself with as much yellow as possible.

Before the crazy schizophrenic weather started, we had a great weekend though. My brother and his family came to stay and we had one of those easy, relaxed visits where the cousins all got on famously and the grown ups got to eat too much and enjoy a glass of wine without the constant interruptions that accompanies having younger children. My nephew is 13 this year and although Bella is always worried that as he gets older he'll no longer want to spend time with her, they both happily disappeared to the park to play football, while my niece (who is Lily's age) and Lil entertained each other with some sort of 7 year old craziness that seemed to at least make sense to them.

I still remember when us all being together meant running around after the children, taking it in turns to entertain and wrangle, never finishing an entire sentence or actually sitting down, often ending the visit even more exhausted than we started.

When Jim and I see tiny babies we still always wish that we could have another one, but weekends like this make me realise how much easier some aspects of life has become and how much more fun (although I still miss baby cuddles).

We have big plans for the summer that I hope will involve the cousins spending more time together and I'm not going to even pretend that I'm not picturing a Swallows and Amazons scenario, because I am!

But until then, do you think we could get back to it beginning to look a lot more like spring time?

 

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The Great Cushion Dilemma

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cushions and coats are the two things that I can never get right. I often see a coat in a shop, try it on, love it and buy it on a whim. Only to realise not long afterwards that I would never wear it because it's completely wrong for me. It's gotten so bad that I have had to accept that I simply can not be trusted around coats.

And I fear that the same may be said about cushions. I'm just not very good at choosing or making the right cushions for myself! So often I've bought fabric thinking that it would make perfect cushions, only to realise at a later date that I've gotten it wrong yet again.

I'm not sure what it is that I get so wrong and in all honesty no one has ever complained about the cushions on my sofas, but I'm never really happy with how they look.

When I saw these fabrics I knew immediately that I wanted to make cushions out of them, absolutely certain that they would look beautiful.

And they do. But when I put them on the sofa I was once again gripped (yes gripped) with the uncertainty that I always feel when I've finished making new cushions! I have however decided that all that is needed this time is more of them. They need matching partners so as not to look so lost on the sofa, and to make more of a visual impact. So I've been busy cutting another 6 of them, because I'm sure that's the magic number ( let's hope I don't decide to apply this theory to my problems with coats!).

The fabric is an unusual, mid weight woven that I bought from Fabworks. As well as the cushions, I'm intending to make a dress out of the blue one, probably using the Mortmain pattern, which I think it will be perfect for.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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